My Boyfriend Asks Me to Thank Him After Sex—and I Must Admit I Kinda Like It Now

I’ve always believed that what happens after sex is just as important as what happens during it. For instance, are we the type of couple that takes a snack break before round two, or do we cuddle and say cutesy things to each other? Well, one thing is for sure: I never thought in a million years that I would be thanking my boyfriend for his “service.” But here we are, five months later, and I say it with pleasure. Call me kinky, but it’s the *best* thing that could’ve happened for our sex life—just hear me out. Here’s how it all began.

My boyfriend and I got to know each other for months before having sex. (You could've cut the sexual tension with a knife.) And the first time we had sex, we really didn't (if you know what I mean). I was nervous + he couldn't get it up = the opposite of us getting it on. While it didn't take long for us to redeem ourselves, we still struggled sexually for almost a year. When I wanted to shag, he wanted to talk about his day. When he wanted me to go down on him, I wanted to do anything but that. When I wanted to go another round, he wanted to go to sleep. Get the picture? I can't speak for him, but I was starting to feel like we weren't sexually compatible. And as someone who likes to get it on regularly, that was a huge problem.

We tried talking it out—laying out our sex-pectations on the table—in an attempt to improve our sex life. However, it never really seemed to go anywhere. I was still in my head about all the things he wasn't doing (and I wish he was doing), and he was likely still stuck on what I wasn't doing (and he wished I was doing).

Then, randomly, one day after we finished a pretty passionate round (my favorite type of round), he looked at me and said, "You're welcome." You can probably guess my response: "What do you mean ‘YOU'RE WELCOME?!’" It was then that he told him that he would like for me to thank him after we have sex, and it was then that I started feeling less worried about our sex life and more concerned about whether he was an undercover narcissist.

After getting to the bottom of it (aka after confronting him about his request), I got the clarity I needed: He wasn’t asking me to say thank you in transactional way—he just wanted to feel appreciated and to know that he did a good job. So, it was easy for me to agree to giving it a go. And interestingly, ever since we made it a routine (five months ago), it's opened the door for productive conversations about our sex life.

When it comes to sex, I'll try anything once. So, the first couple of times I looked him in the eyes and thanked him for laying it on me, we laughed it off. We were getting used to it—me saying it and him hearing it. Once it became a regular thing (and we were comfortable), we started building off it without even knowing it. He would say things like, "That was fun, right? I liked it when you got on top." And if I didn't thank him, he would ask me if something was wrong, and I had a chance to speak up about it, like, "Honey, you actually ended quicker than I hoped."

Sometimes, the roles are even reversed, and he thanks me. And I'll just say it definitely makes me feel like a baddie. So, as it turns out, I'm now a person who loves saying thank you to my boyfriend after sex, and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon. But is that a bad thing? I talked to a relationship expert to get their opinion.

Meet the expert

• Jacqui Rubinoff is a certified love coach and relationship expert as well as the Vice President of Eye of Love (a pheromone fragrance brand). She also graduated from California State University, Northridge in 2014 with a degree in family studies.

As kinky and unconventional as it may sound, Rubinoff said there are definitely pros to saying thank you to your partner after shagging. "It lets [them] know you enjoyed the experience and valued their connection. Plus, it's a casual opener for further chats about what you both liked or might want to explore next time. It's all about reinforcing the positive and ensuring everyone feels respected and connected. A little gratitude can really enhance the intimacy between you two!" she explained. However, she also noted that there is a con: "If it's not delivered right, it could come off as insincere or as if you're treating the intimate experience too much like a transaction."

When it comes to making this a thing in the bedroom, she recommends keeping light and heartfelt. "However, it's important to consider if it fits the natural flow of your relationship," she adds. "For some, this might seem out of place or interrupt the intimacy. Always gauge your partner's comfort with verbal expressions like this." And if it ever starts to lose its sincerity and feel uncomfortable or forced? She says it's important to talk about it.

If you ask me, our sex life is just getting started, and ironically, it's all thanks to saying thank you. You’re welcome for the hot tidbit.