What Not to Say to Your Child’s Teacher, According to Teachers Themselves

The start of a new school year is upon us, which means parents will be introduced to their child’s new teacher(s)—and the first round of parent-teacher conferences are not too far off, either. All this brings us to the age old problem of parents wondering, what the heck goes on at school? And because kids are often unreliable narrators, parents naturally turn to teachers for answers to their questions, which is great because the key to successful learning is absolutely collaboration and communication between you and the people who are with your kids each day. That said, before you dive into the dialogue, it would behoove you to know what not to say to your child’s teacher—what’s not helpful, not kind or just flat-out annoying. I chatted with a principal with over two decades of experience for her take on the worst things she’s ever heard a parent say. Read on for some sound advice.

Deepali Deshmukh is the Principal of Stratford Milpitas Preparatory School in San Jose, California. She has more than 20 years of experience as an educator and has taught students ranging from pre-K to high school.

“Suggesting extra credit as a quick fix undermines the importance of the consistent effort and understanding your child needs to succeed,” explains Deshmukh. In other words, it’s a cop out and one that encourages bad study habits going forward. Instead, the expert recommends that parents implement a homework system and create a plan to help their child succeed in the future by asking teachers questions like “what resources can I provide at home to help my child catch up?”

Deshmukh emphasizes the importance of parents and teachers keeping an open dialogue, and that begins with parents being open to hearing a teacher’s observations about their child. “Schools, just like home, are safe spaces where children can make mistakes and learn from them,” explains Deshmukh, so keep that in mind when a teacher tells you about a behavior or incident, and remember that “they are not accusing your child or criticizing your parenting.”

Per the expert, “the purpose of homework is to reinforce concepts taught at school [and to teach them] the value of responsibility and time management.” Teachers want children to enjoy their childhood, too, and if homework is really taking up all their free time it’s possible that too much was assigned—but that isn’t the only explanation. As such, Deshmukh recommends that parents approach teachers with curiosity and ask questions like “how much time do you expect my child to spend on homework each day?” or “what strategies do you recommend to help us create a more balanced routine?” This is a far more effective way to solve the problem than taking an accusatory tone.

Deshmukh wants parents to remember that teachers spend hours outside of classroom time grading and giving meaningful feedback on assignments (and many of them are parents, too). The problem with this question is that it “implies teachers simply ‘give’ grades and ignore the child’s learning process.” And remember that achieving high grades naturally becomes harder as the material becomes more advanced, so it’s wise to focus more on the child’s effort and progress rather than just the grade.

Remember what we said about teachers spending hours outside the classroom grading and giving feedback? Well, let’s not add micromanaging a student to their list of responsibilities. “With a full classroom of students, teachers cannot realistically email parents about every assignment,” says Deshmukh, adding that to do so would undermine the main goal, which is “to teach children how to become more independent and responsible for their own work.”

Do not, under any circumstances, ask a teacher about the grades of other students. The short explanation is that it’s none of your damn business and has no bearing on your child’s learning process. Or, in the gentler and more diplomatic words of the expert, “comparisons to other children can be detrimental to your child’s self-esteem. Your child is wonderfully unique and we want to celebrate their independent growth journey.”

This one is closely related to the “my child would never…” statement, but it bears repeating that kids might behave differently at school than at home because it’s a different context and open dialogue is critical for having a full understanding of the situation. The teacher is there to help provide parents with that well-rounded understanding, so don’t undermine that effort by pointing fingers; instead, listen and collaborate to come up with a constructive approach that helps both students better manage peer conflict.

This one came from conversations with several private school educators at a New Orleans high school who would prefer to remain anonymous. From their collective experience, a lot of the high school students they teach are on medications for psychological conditions—mostly ADHD, but others, too—and the parents frequently ask the teachers to monitor how the child is adjusting to the medication. “We can do this to an extent and of course would tell a parent if we saw anything alarming, but we are not psychiatrists and cannot accurately evaluate your child in that way even if we wanted to,” says one teacher. Bottom line: talk to your kid, talk to the prescribing doctor, but don’t put teachers in the position of making medical observations while managing a full classroom (or ever).