I Asked a Therapist Her Best Advice on How to Get Over a Situationship

It was a crisp Saturday afternoon in October of 2020 when my friend Julia called me: “I can’t believe I haven’t heard from him.” I knew this day was coming. 

See, originally, Julia branded Mikey as a casual fling—they’d have sporadic sex, usually incited by a pang of pandemic loneliness, and they agreed to leave emotions at the door. In fact, when things first started, Julia’s attitude was totally apathetic. “He’s just a distraction,” she said when I once asked if Mikey was cute. “I definitely wouldn’t go for him outside of lockdown, but it’s comfortable—we’ve known each other since elementary school.” My antenna immediately shot up when I heard her say comfortable. As I anticipated, Julia’s motto slowly transitioned from “I’d never actually date Mikey” to “I wonder who Mikey dated in college.” And by the time the foliage turned yellow four months later, she’d officially entered the “How do I get Mikey to date me” phase. 

As with most situationships, my friend’s casual arrangement devolved into a festering source of anxiety. Our weekly FaceTimes went from indolent mentions of Mikey to full-blown psychoanalyses of what was wrong with him. She had a theory for everything: why his astrology sign made him a player, how his dad’s infidelity scarred him and, eventually, what she could do to get him to commit. “If he’d just let me in, I know we could be happy,” she’d lament. To be fair, I didn’t discount her conjecture; Julia was probably right. The guy did seem to have baggage he had to work through—and according to her screenshots, he appeared to genuinely care about her, too. But Mikey’s Aquarius zodiac and family trauma were beside the point. The truth of the matter was that he couldn’t give my friend what she wanted, and she was driving herself crazy waiting for a commitment (which never came).

If you’re reading this, it’s likely because you’re the “Julia” in a situationship right now. I’ll tell you what I told her: It’s time to let them go. As a relationship editor, the number one question I’m asked is, “How do I turn this into something more?” Yet, my CliffsNote’s answer is that you can’t. (Read: Soonicorn.) Situationships are often a result of poor timing while relationships happen when both people are ready to commit. The only thing you can do is move on to find someone who aligns with what you want (easier said than done). So below, I tapped a psychologist for her best advice on how to get over a situationship.

Meet The Expert

Dené Logan, LMFT, is a therapist at Flowerhouse Therapy in Santa Monica, CA. She holds a Master's degree in Counseling Psychology from Pacifica Graduate Institute and was a mentee to acclaimed couples therapist, Esther Perel. As a Marriage and Family Therapist with an orientation in Depth Psychology, Logan specializes in Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR), and Brainspotting (BSP). Her new book, Sovereign Love, explores how to heal from the unspoken war of the sexes in relationships, including creating healthy polarity and moving away from codependency.

Honesty can be your best accountability partner when trying to detach from a situationship. What that means is stepping outside of your suppressed emotions. Per Logan, “If we ‘say the thing’ and tell our situationship the truth of how we feel and what we want from them, their response will be the information we need to finally be really honest with ourselves.” If they don’t have the capacity or desire to build something more, recognizing this misalignment can kickstart you into moving forward.

The first step to getting over an addiction? Admitting you have a problem. As Logan puts it, “You’re not a robot,” and it's completely normal to develop feelings for someone you’re having sex with. Yet, when you muzzle the feelings of disappointment and rejection—side-effects of not getting what you need—you stop yourself from moving forward. “Give yourself permission to feel these emotions and recognize that they are a part of the healing process.”

Creating space is essential to healing. Logan suggests going no contact for a while because “it’s really hard to heal in the same environment where you’ve been hurting.” If your situationship is within the same social circle, plan activities with a smaller group of friends—or start making new connections that can help you heal. “Distance allows you to gain perspective.” 

A major issue with situationships is the lack of congruency between what we say we want and what we truly feel. Per the therapist, “The vulnerability of speaking up for what you truly want can be unbelievably confronting for our ego, but healing for the inner child.” Being honest about what you want is crucial. In my personal opinion, that means confronting yourself, not your situationship. Only you can give yourself the validation you’re looking for (see below). 

Ending a situationship can be an opportunity to reconnect with yourself—get back to doing things that make you feel good. To that end, Logan highlights the importance of channeling your energy into something creative or self-nurturing. “Far too frequently we jump from one situationship to another, using external validation to get over feeling hurt,” she says. Instead, focus on building a solid relationship with passions and interests—this will help break the cycle of seeking validation from others.

Finally, when you feel like you’re ready to date again, clarity about what you want in a relationship is essential. Logan suggests working with a therapist or taking a personal development course to understand your limiting beliefs. “The choice to enter unfulfilling relationships can be rooted in pain points from our family of origin, societal conditioning and the belief in scarcity,” she explains. Reflect on what you’ve been drawn to in past relationships and why, and use this insight to shape healthier relationships moving forward.

Naturally, everyone's timeline to moving on from a situationship will differ. But according to Logan, “Sometimes the grieving process in a situationship can take even longer than other dynamics because we continuously feel like the relationship never got a chance.” When two people are fully committed to something, there’s a sense of closure in knowing that it ran its course and ended for a reason. Situationships, however, can leave us with lingering 'what-ifs' that keep us romanticizing the potential and desperately wanting to believe that the time and energy invested weren't wasted. This is why the major theme to moving forward is feeling your feelings. You don’t have to rush anything—there will come a time when you wake up one morning and feel ready to move on. Trust the process.